Marriage, Divorce, and Re-Marriage: The Practical Reality
If you’ve followed my blog, or know me personally, then you know I was an artist, then went into ministry, was married, divorced, and am now remarried and in another career field. I’ve written very little on this site in general since the divorce for various reasons, however I intend to make this a regular outlet for writing and product creation now. I am a church member in good standing in my local church, and participate by regular attendance, and volunteering my artistic abilities and my service time when possible.
Understandably, then, a topic that is of great interest to me is the nature of divorce and re-marriage in Scripture and in society.
There are numerous books on the topic from a Protestant perspective, Roman Catholic perspective, and fewer from an Eastern Orthodox perspective. In general, Christians agree that divorce is only justified under certain circumstances. What they do not agree on is: 1. What circumstances morally justify divorce. 2. Whether a divorced person can remarry without sin.
My concern with this post is not to solve this debate or even to do an overview of it. Instead, I want to look at a sociological issue in the United State of America, as well, I suppose, throughout Europe, and possibly elsewhere.
Legally Complex
Divorce is a highly legal procedure, moreso than marriage itself. In some states, for a divorce to occur, couples must first establish legal separation for a period of time. States may require divorcing parties to have established legal financial, propriety, and custodial resolution prior to hearing a divorce case. Additionally, some states grant certain rights to offended parties in a divorce (ie the party that has been abandoned or whose spouse has committed adultery). Finally, some states have very thorough divorce proceedings, while other states have a ‘no-fault’ divorce process (that still is nonetheless a legally complex process).
Emotionally Complex
Divorce is also, understandably, an extremely emotional circumstance. Couples have lengthy personal histories involved. Animosity, vengeance, retribution, vendettas, malice, or greed may become factors in the procedural steps between couples in divorce. Even without these volatile and powerful emotions, divorce is rarely a mild parting of the ways (though this does happen).
Sociologically Complex
The odds of divorce are extremely high. The reason(s) for this are numerous and debatable. At the very least, it is obviously because of the legality of divorce itself. If it was illegal to divorce, or only legal to divorce under an extreme burden of proof, then there would certainly be less of it. I say this not to say that the rate is morally bad but only to say that this is obviously an effect of the loosening of divorce requirements upon ‘Western’ (ie Christian) society.
The outcome of divorce is complex, but also somewhat predictable. I have found that the person who will likely have a favorable outcome is the most sly and litigious person, the person who is most self-convinced of their position and therefore the most willing to spend money, time, effort, and acting to get what they want from a divorce. It is the person who does not ‘turn the other cheek’ who will receive the benefits from a divorce.
Financially Disastrous
The outcome of divorce is a financial disaster for both parties, but especially for the primary breadwinner. If a person can prove ‘dependency’ throughout the majority of a marriage, they are legally entitled to a substantial amount of income from the other party, regardless of the reason for a divorce. For example, if a wife had been a stay-at-home wife and then mother for approximately 7 years, then decides to abandon the marriage for whatever reason, to leave the state, take the children and property, and not return, she will nevertheless automatically be entitled to a substantial amount of income from the partner she abandoned. This income will come in the former of alimony, marital support, and/or child support, presuming that she obtains legal custody deserving of said awards. Even if she obtains such an income, the results are still financially disastrous for her, much less the former spouse. In such a case, the cost of lodging has now doubled (one place for her, one for him), cost of travel has increased for childcare, cost of childcare has doubled, legal representation has become necessary, etc. Unless the abandoning spouse remarries and enters into a similar arrangement, she will have to (God-forbid) work in order to pay her own necessary portion of child care expense, housing, food, travel, etc. Then, imagine that the abandoning spouse does remarry and does stay at home again, and then determines to abandon her second spouse - what then? Well, she has established dependence, and therefore is entitled to marital support and alimony, and potentially child support if there are children born in the marriage. And yet that further increases her debt as she now has to coordinate multiple child care visitation travels.
A Mental Health Crisis
The above circumstance is simply an illustration of how financially terrible such a situation can be. But the question remains - why does this happen? One main reason pointed out above is: Because it is allowed. Another main reason is: because of a mental health crisis.
I’ve seen now, personally, three cases in which one partner has become absolutely convinced that they are the victims of criminal treatment by their spouse, and therefore they are entitled to divorce them and seek as much child care time, property ownership, and financial remuneration as possible. The problem is that in none of those cases have the ‘victims’ actually been victims of criminal treatment by their spouse. In fact, in all three situations, the divorcing party has been the overall antagonizing force of a marriage, and all attempts to prove victimization on their part has shown the opposite and has cleared the names of their former partners. The divorce itself occurred in these cases by either an event the ‘victim’ themselves instigate, determining they are justified in departure, or an event their partner instigates which they consider the last straw of criminal behavior (though objectively not criminal).
What is it that convinces a person that they are victims of criminal treatment when they are entirely deluded? How do people become delusional? There is some kind of crisis occurring in our nation, in the West in general, and possible in other nations, where people are delusional and demanding. This is not merely the case in marital divorce contexts, but in numerous situations where a person believes they are X when objectively they are Y. They demand to be treated as X and will go to great lengths to ensure those who do not do so are punished or will change their minds. They are offended by crimes - physical, racial, sexual, national crimes - but these crimes have not actually been committed against them.
Remarriage
Given such a context, why do people still choose to remarry? Regardless of the biblical ethics of it, why would someone, pragmatically, do such a thing? For the divorcing partner, if they are like the deluded persons mentioned above, it is because they believe they can find someone who will not ‘abuse’ them. Of course, a simple year in the marriage and they will find ‘patterns of abuse’ that they find unacceptable. But the definition of such in no way will meet the legal standard, and is entirely a fiction. In fact, they’ll violate their own standard 10 fold beyond the partner they accuse, and will not realize it, but such is the case of delusion.
And why would the person who has been left choose to remarry? It is because they believe they will partner with a reasonable person whose compassion will not change, a person who will not falsely accuse because of mental health problems, a person who will not utilize ‘dependency’ as a financial and child custody weapon against them in the future if a divorce was to occur. In short, it comes down to trust that there are people who will not be affected by this mental health crisis.
Biblical Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage
Is it biblical to divorce and is it biblical to remarry if one gets divorced? There are numerous Christian conceptions of what justifies a divorce and of if it is sinful to remarry afterwords. I don’t provide an overview here of the various opinions and don’t seek to persuade anyone one way or another. My thought on this is limited to such: I believe it is biblically permissible (though not required and not necessarily wise) to divorce in cases of marital abandonment and actual adultery. I believe it is biblically permissible to remarry if one has been abandoned or has divorced as a result of actual adultery. The terms ‘marital abandonment’ and ‘actual adultery’ are the subject of much debate, however my own view of it is that abandonment is actual desertion or criminal abuse or imprisonment and that actual adultery is the explicit intent to and/or actually engaging in an adulterous relationship.
Regardless of whether I am accurate in my interpretation of Scripture, the practical issues surrounding marriage, divorce, and remarriage in our society is worth considering. It is a legally, emotionally, and socially complex issue that has financial ramifications. The mental health crisis in our nation has only compounded it, regardless of the religious affiliation of the marital partners. The hope for a godly, loving, lasting marriage ultimately has to be the goodness and power of God, as worldly forces so clearly seek to upend marriage.